First Draft Fiction – Dinner Disaster

The following is a first draft of a short story written as part of the Story A Day May 2016 Challenge.

This is Story #2 for (a little late ) day 2.

In the comments below, please share your critique of the story. Also, let me know if this is a character/story you’d be interested in reading more about.


The prompt

“That bitch has no one to blame but herself!” Jaimie said with the phone clutched between her cheek and shoulder while shuffling through her bag to find her keys. She found them, put them in one hand and grabbed the phone with the other. “I don’t give a shit what ‘state’ she was in – there is no reason to act that way.” She didn’t know I was in the parking lot. She didn’t know I could hear every word she said.

I wondered if it was worth it to go over to her to tell her that I now believed the whole thing to be a frame job. I followed her at a distance, taking the moment to think back to the holiday where it all began. I was in the middle of another relative-relay — trying to ensure my love and appreciation from the entire year was appropriately represented in this single day’s action. I had worn the wrong outfit, forgetting the necessity of an elastic waist when family dinners are involved. Jaimie, my brother’s wife, had made her “famous” sweet potato casserole. Her kids loved it, I thought it tasted like a pail of sugar with a toasted marshmallow on top. While I had already resigned myself to gain some weight from my holiday hell, by the time I got to Jaimie’s I decided I didn’t want to raise my sugar level to diabetic-coma levels along with it.
I tried to be polite.
I simply declined the plate as it was passed. It wasn’t a big deal until the mayor – an unfortunate result of my brothers fraternity days – walked in. He never stayed long, just a quick schmooze around the table, but that’s when my cousin Hazel passed the sugar plate back around to me. When I declined again she said, “You really hate Jaimie’s cooking, huh?” Of course the mayor turned, looked at me, then back at Jaimie.
I started to reply when the mayor spoke over me, telling the room, “Sorry I couldn’t stay longer. The airplane won’t wait for little ol’ me!” I thought I could piggyback on his exit before things got really awkward, so I said, “I should head out too,” while standing up and heading toward the door.

I was moving slowly, due to my gluttony, but not carefully because I wanted out of there fast. Maybe if I wasn’t so flustered, I might have seen Hazel’s move. She slipped her foot out just in time for mine to catch. I tripped and tried to save myself with the mantel.

It all happened so fast.
And yet, it was like it was all slow motion.

I remember it all.

I can still smell grandma’s remains as they flew out of the urn showering the mayor.
I’m not surprised Jaimie never wants to see me again. I am just curious whether or not anyone knows Hazel’s part in all of this.

I snapped out of my reverie and saw that Jaimie was at her car. It looked like it came off the dealer lot that morning. Perfect just like everything Jaimie had under her control. Hazel knew how to play to her, I did not. I wondered if my outfit wasn’t appropriate enough to approach her and plead my case. I missed my nieces. I missed my brother. I wanted back in. I took two steps and could hear her voice again, “I’m relieved she’s gone, Hazel. She’s lucky to have you, if you ask me. You have always been so good to her. I’ll never understand why.”
I turned around. I walked back to my car, and, as I tossed my duplicate purchases onto the passenger seat, I wondered if I should send my nieces their birthday gifts anonymously.



The following prompt, found on the Story A Day website, inspired this story:


Write a story containing all of these words from a fourth grade spelling list.



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