The Actual Truth

I used to resist change. I hated it. My first real introduction to change was the loss of my father. I was twelve, he was forty, and nothing about change felt good at that time.

The thing that I have come to understand is that change itself is neither good nor bad, it just is. Sometimes change is tiny and incremental, sometimes it is huge and Earth shattering. We’ve all experienced both. I’m in awe of how ordinary these shifts have begun to feel for me.

I don’t know what is coming next, but in this moment I can’t help but mutter to myself, “Oh… this again.” This unknown, this place where one can easily justify panic, this moment where things are uncertain and confusing and cloudy. This is the actual truth.

We all live in a delusion most days where we tell ourselves that we know what is coming next, we know what is secure in our lives and what should come next. We tell ourselves that we know what is safe and certain, and as long as we step here, and do that, we will get the life we planned.

That is an easier way to live. The truth of it all is rather unnerving. The truth is that all the things we are feeling right now — the uncertainty about tomorrow’s health, wealth, and food — they have always been exactly that uncertain. Perhaps you have heard this phrase before: nothing is promised.

I write all this and believe all this without an ounce of cynicism. I write all this and recognize that the truth of my life exists in this moment. Nothing is promised but what I have in this moment. How do I live within this insanity? I appreciate what is here and now. I appreciate this keyboard, this connection, the roof over my head, the family in my midst, the food that fills our bellies, the health we are all experiencing right in this moment.

I look forward to a new rhythm where we can discuss the “right steps” to build back some semblance of certainty, but I do so knowing how temporary each certainty is. I learned from Columbine. I learned from 9/11. I learned from Hurricane Sandy. I learned from the personal wreckage of losses in my life. Change is inevitable. Certainty is a myth. Life is an evolution. If we embrace scary change we can enjoy the beautiful change. If we let our leaves fall to the Earth and endure the winter, Spring shall return and I can not wait to see what blooms this year.

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